Now that I have reached 30 years of age... here's the biggest question on my mind: what am I working towards?
That's recently been the main topic of my internal thoughts, mulling and pondering over the purpose of my life and the projects I am working on.
This stage of my life marks a critical evaluation over the state of the raging internal battle between my ego and my heart. Some call this the end of my first Saturn Return, whereby a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood. This transition usually occurs when a person is about 27 until they reach about 30. Whilst in this transition, I am evaluating everything.
I realized that I am constantly locked in a tumultuous internal battle between my ego and my heart... and sometimes other people's egos and other people's hearts play a part in this as well.
I learned that I made some life decisions based on my ego and others with my heart.
The biggest life lesson that I have been practicing in the past few years is having the courage to always follow my heart, instead of my ego.
Here's the difference I discovered between the two:
draws attention from others but impedes your spiritual path. Like a fancy watch, car or good-looking partner that can turn heads, gather compliments that in turn feed your ego. For example, I wanted to live in hipster central Williamsburg, Brooklyn because of my ego. I wanted to live where all the "cool kids" lived. It wasn't necessarily the most convenient or practical due to the commute to my job, but I enjoyed my time there nonetheless. And after I came back from Costa Rica, like a crack addict, I was wanting to move back there ASAP because of this idea I had of who I was and where I should live. My identity and ego were so attached to this idea of Williamsburg.
at its best induces feelings of pride and pleasure...
at its worst induces feelings of narcississm, jealousy, and resentment...
makes you sing, jump for joy, makes you feel alive. Like your favorite song, your favorite book or an inside joke between friends. I now live in midtown and even though its not exactly the ideal neighborhood that I want to be in, it's near my sister (although not my friends!!), my commute to work isn't crazy and I've learned that I realize that home is really where the heart is and it doesn't matter if you're in a fancy restaurant or a freezing rooftop, as long as you have good company (and some awesome Halloween costumes!), you will have fun.
And your good friends will commute to you anyway... regardless of where you are.
at its best induces feelings of love and joy...
at its worst induces feelings of pain, despair, woe, remorse, and desolation...
I know that if I do not feel authentically myself in any situation, it's hurting me.
This is no one's fault but my own.
I learned that I need to take responsibility in my own hands to have the courage to be authentic with others about how I truly feel about a situation, even if it's against the grain.
How I've learned to follow my heart:
- Speak genuinely, truthfully, respectfully and courageously.
- Follow your heart into dark places that you've never been and watch yourself come alive.
- Push yourself out of your comfort zone.
- Watch yourself fail.
- Watch yourself be rejected and humiliated.
- Then watch yourself pick up those pieces of yourself to build a stronger you. A durable one who knows better, but one who doesn't give up or throw his or her dream to the wayside. One who properly accepts help when it's called for. One who knows her worth and asks for it.
I'velet my ego lead me to places that I wanted to go to find out later that's not what I wanted in the first place. I've followed my heart to scary places that I didn't want to go to and found treasure inside. I tell you, it's more satisfying to follow your heart and not your ego. You can apply this to any decision that you make, whether you're looking for a new destination to travel, looking for a new job, figuring out where to live or who to date. Your heart will feel better for it. Even if it's the "wrong" decision... ;)
So, now that I'm 30... here's my question for you: what are you working towards?